It is the 2nd of January and we at Snooty Ushers Towers are in somber mood. The festive season is well and truly in the rear view, we have taken the decorations down, packed away the tree and finished the last of the M&S Seasonal biscuit selection. Following on from yesterday’s Top 10 Best films of 2015 (check it here), it seems only fitting, given our collective mood, that we touch on the worst films of 2015.
Now we have been quite lucky this year, in as much as we have not seen as much dross as usual, not to say it’s not out there, we have just been quite discerning (or lucky) in our cinematic adventures.
So without further ado, here is The Snooty Usher’s Top 5 Worst Films of 2015.
5. Home (Dir, Tim Johnson, 2015)
Dave: Now, I don’t see a lot of films these days so I am even more annoyed when I waste my time with a piece of utter dross. Home is just that. With my new-found love of animated films, I have found that it is like any other type of genre, you can have some absolute gems and some utter dross. This sadly is the latter, it’s utterly stupid with a completely nonsensical plot. Sure, it is bright and colourful (retina brustingly so) but kids are smarter than this these days and expect and even deserve better.
While Dreamworks have made some great strides with their animation they are not yet on Pixar’s level, beyond that they often miss the mark with the vocal talent. Where Disney/Pixar choose (more often than not) the correct actor for the role, regardless of status, Dreamworks seem to just throw famous actors at characters, relying on the name, rather than the performance. For this reason Home failed before it even started. Rihanna, who is not even an actor (it really shows), fails to embody the character on any level and there are so many of her songs included it feels like one long animated Rihanna music video and Jim Parson’s Oh, is just an animated alien version of his Sheldon from Big Bang Theory, he makes no effort to change or adapt his voice for a new character. The only saving grace is the brilliant Steve Martin as Captain Smek.
A horrible mess of colour and noise. There are a million better, sweeter and more intelligence animated films out there so don’t waste your time with this disaster. Utterly terrible.
4. Fantastic 4 (Dir, Josh Trank, 2015)
Welshy: I despise this film. It is the prime example of studios just producing comic book movies for the money. This comes in the trend of the dark and gritty hero origin, but completely misses the point of its source material and also the tone it is going for. It isn’t dark and gritty at all. It’s just drab and visually dull. Its characters are wooden and serious with no chemistry. Story is a joke, pacing is off, no build up to a climax, basically the film is just rubbish.
I didn’t like X Men: Days of Future Past, the other Fox owned comic book property, but I hate this. It is up there with Batman and Robin. The actual Fantastic Four is a family of superheroes who deal with their powers/saving the world and living a normal life, they do this together, because they are a family and know each other . This gash however has some amazing talent being bland and emo, that kind of, sort of, sort of end up as a team. An absolute waste.
Fun fact, if they don’t produce a sequel, then they lose the film rights, which revert back to Marvel, who’ll then hopefully take control and do it correctly. For now Marvel/Disney have nothing to worry about. Fox would be fools to try to get a sequel out of this.
3. Mortdecai (Dir, David Koepp, 2015)
James: Remember the Paul Whitehouse character Rowley Birkin QC from The Fast Show* (the old man by the fireplace with the “very, very drunk” catch phrase)? Johnny Depp chose to do a whole film with that voice.
There must be a lot of love for the books this film is based on. Charlie Mortdecai feels like a brilliant literary character but really, really doesn’t work on the screen. Written in the 1970s, the character is a posh, man-out-of-time, art dealer, but updating the setting to modern-day and leaving that character unchanged just makes it too much of a jump. It would be like the recent Harry Hill Professor Branestawm shows being set in modern day, the character would have to be changed. Mortdecai isn’t, and Depp basically just messes around on screen for 100 long minutes as the plot meanders around the world. Everyone else in the cast (and it’s a decent cast featuring Gwyneth Paltrow, Ewan McGregor, the usually dependable Paul Bettany, and Jeff Goldblum) deserves better.
The fact that Depp gives such a misjudged performance absolutely ruins this film. He was a producer here as well, and it just feels like no-one on set was able to tell him to tone things down. Any actor can give a bad performance, but for Depp to be so out of touch with what was needed is shocking.
A thoroughly tedious, unfunny film. Maybe it was the low expectations that meant this was only number 3, unlike the next film in our countdown…
*Depp is a longtime fan of The Fast Show, appearing in the final episode, and Whitehouse has a cameo here.
2. Taken 3 (Dir, Olivier Megaton, 2015)
Dan: I was incredibly naive at the start of 2015, despite the woeful Taken 2 being a shadow of the first film I honestly thought the trailer for the third entry held some promise. Never have I been so badly burnt for my wishful thinking. Taken 3 is not only one of the worst films of 2015, it’s one of the most god awful films I’ve ever seen.
The direction is poor, the editing is shocking and some of the situations that Bryan Mills gets himself out of are actually just impossible for a man who appears to be struggling to run at the very start of the film. Director Olivier Megaton does a rubbish job of hiding that the film’s star is in his early 60s, no fault of Liam Neeson as he does his best to try to give the film some quality it’s just not simply enough. The addition of Forest Whittaker is utterly pointless and adds nothing to proceedings with the villain being nothing more than a stock Eastern European bad guy. Every second of this film just sucks and I honestly wanted to walk out on more than one occasion. I sincerely hope the tagline for film rings true and it does end here because Taken 3 is not even a shadow of what a Taken film should be, it is an embarrassment of a film and will forever be an appalling example of how to ruin a franchise.
1. The Human Centipede III (Final Sequence) (Dir, Tom Six, 2015)
James: You know how in the Godfather Marlon Brando’s towering central performance elevates a beautifully shot, brilliant script, all coming together to make a masterpiece? In The Human Centipede III, Dieter Laser gives a terrible, confusing, pointlessly-shouty performance that takes a nonsensical script, based on a rubbish idea, that take a really, really bad film and makes it the worse film I’ve ever seen.
The Human Centipede is the story of a doctor who decides to sow three people together, making a weird creature with one digestive tract. Really, nothing else happens in the film, it’s a cheap, one-note horror film that is a bit rubbish. The Human Centipede 2 is about a man obsessed with the film who decides he wants to do the same with a dozen people. And he does. It’s violent and horrible and there really isn’t any reason to watch it.
Then, for some reason, Tom Six decided to make a third film, set in a prison where the rubbish warden (Dieter Laser) and his rubbish accountant (Laurence R. Harvey from the second film) have lost control. Laser’s Bill Boss is an out of control psychopath – I think, he just shouts, attacks the prisoners, and sexually assaults his assistant, but there’s no actual character. The accountant has seen the first two films and thinks the idea could work on the prison population. And yes, that is the same meta, fourth wall destroying idea that the second film used. For some reason, the director then cameos as himself, giving his seal of approval to the idea, and even more bizarrely, Eric Roberts plays the Governor who needs to get the problems sorted at the prison. I can only assume he is in trouble with the tax man, Nic Cage style, and can’t legally say no to any job offer. Because even losing your thumbs to the mob would be better than appearing in this horrible film.
I hate this film. Everything about it. On every level. The film is sexist, racist, and just… hateful. Not just the characters, the film itself. I can watch anything, and I was actually offended by this, both the subject matter and the way it is executed.
Do not watch this film. Even for the shock value – THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE IS IN THE POSTER! THEY TELL YOU IT HAPPENS! IF YOU ARE EVER EVEN SLIGHTLY TEMPTED, JUST LOOK AT THE POSTER!
That’s it. I’ve wasted enough of your time talking about this abhorrent film. The rest of the films on this list are bad. This film is so, so much worse than that.
The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence) is The Snooty Ushers’ Worst Film of 2015.