LIVE from Madison Square Garden, The Snooty Ushers present the first ever wrestling event with all of your favourite characters in film history…
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to…
I’m here with The Snooty Ushers’ Senior Wrestling Correspondant Jonny Hogarth as we await the biggest event in Sports-Ushertainment history! The night is going to be capped by the hugely anticipated match-up between Batman and Superman – which the Ushers promise will do right this time!
(This gets a bit cheesey in parts, a bit confused in others, but it’s all a bit of fun!)
Tango & Cash vs. Murtaugh & Riggs
Tag team action to kick us off!
Murtaugh and Riggs were the first names I came up with when putting this wrestling/film characters card together. They are an archetypal double act, and that same dynamic would work perfectly as a tag team, with Lethal Weapon’s grizzled veteran and young, scrappy upstart. Tango and Cash are a similarly mismatched team, and it would be good to see them slug it out.
Winner: Tango & Cash when Riggs takes one risk too many.
Katniss Everdeen vs. Beatrice Prior vs. Bella Swan
The Hunger Games – Divergent – Twilight heroes meet!
We’ve got three franchises and three modern heroes. But when it comes to a fight, surely there is only one winner.
Winner: Katniss Everdeen by murder death kill of both.
Freddy Krueger vs. Jason Voorhees vs. Michael Myers
No Holds Barred, Anything Goes, Falls Count Anywhere, Hardcore Brawl!
The orginial plans were to hold this match on Friday the 13th of Halloween at Elm Street. Freddy and Jason famously faced off in 2002, and now they are joined in a rematch by Michael Myers. We start straight away with all three guys swinging machetes, chainsaws, axes, everything. The referee runs out of the ring 7 seconds in, and cheering spectators are sliced open as the brawl goes all over the ring, all over the arena, into the streets of New York…
Winner: These three are still brawling somewhere…
Lee vs. Danny vs. Ma Hon Keung vs. Rama
Enter The Dragon vs. Unleashed vs. Rumble In The Bronx vs. The Raid
The ultimate martial arts show-down, as Bruce Lee, Jet Li, Jackie Chan, and Iko Uwais fight! Sing (Stephen Chow from Kung Fu Hustle) runs in for a comedy bit in the middle of the match, trying to get involved but getting beat up by everyone. We get each of them pairing off for some ferociously fast paced action, and the commentators struggle to keep up with what is going on.
Winner: Lee finally puts away Rama, after Danny and Keung have beaten each other to a pulp.
The Man With No Name vs. Anton Chigurh
Silent assassins face-off: Eastwood vs. Bardem
We get two incredibly cool entrances to the ring, and as the bell rings, the two of them simply stare across the ring at each other for a good 30 seconds. The slowly stroll towards each other before standing face to face for another 30 seconds as the crowd goes molten. Eventually, The Man With No Name throws the first punch, and before long him and Chigurh are throwing huge punches at each other. The match gets increasingly hard hitting, with not a single wrestling hold to be seen. This is a throwback to those brutal Vader-Stan Hansen matches from the late 80s, two powerhouses knocking seven bells out of each other. Eventually the referee gets caught in the middle of it…
Winner: The Man With No Name after the referee is knocked out, Anton gets his bolt pistol out, but when he gets a coin out to decide whether to kill his opponent, The Man recovers and hits him with it
James Bond vs. Jason Bourne vs. Ethan Hunt
Cinema’s best secret agents throw down!
A showdown between three spy film icons! During the referee pat-down, he finds explosive watches, fake plastic faces, and a whole array of weapons. At one point, Hunt and Bourne are both distracted when Hawkeye from The Avengers is spotted in the rafters and both think they recognise him. Bond gets more and more brutal as the fight goes on, and after one vicious exchange Bourne is knocked out. This leads to Hunt and Bond facing off, with Bond just being slightly more resourceful (ie ready to cheat!) to get the win.
Winner: James Bond when Bond puts Hunt in the Skyfall Lock, and Hunt passes out.
Sgt Nick Angel & PC Danny Butterman vs. Schmidt & Jenko
A comedy match before the two main events. The guys from Hot Fuzz and 21 Jump Street. Nick Angel dominates most of the match, but when he tags in Danny Butterman, he runs around like a overexcited puppy and eventually the American duo take over. Butterman is the the face in peril for most of the match, with Schmidt and Jenko hitting tag team moves and celebrating after each one. However…
Winner: Angel & Butterman after the 21 Jump Street guy start celebrating too much and Angel gets the hot tag and flattens both, before Butterman goes to the top rope and hits a huge frogsplash for the win
Ellen Ripley vs. Sarah Connor
For The Snooty Ushers’ Womens Championship!
This is the semi-main event of the night: the two ultimate bad-asses females in all of cinema. We start off with high action from the very bell, hammering into each other, before transitioning into a series of body-twisting submission moves. Think Bailey-Banks from Brooklyn. Neither woman is ready to give up though until, after an increasingly huge moves…
Winner: Ellen Ripley wins the title! Sarah Connor is a survivor, but Ripley is the one who kills aliens! At the end of the match… KATNISS EVERDEEN IS HERE! SHE POINTS TO RIPLEY AND MAKES THE BELT MOTION! I guess we know Ripley’s next challenger!
Batman vs. Superman
The Dark Knight and the Last Son Of Krypton fight for the DC Crown!
IT’S TIME FOR OUR MAIN EVENT!
We’ve waited years for these two to fight, and it would be ridiculous to have these two guys finally get to together and only fight for a few minutes. That would be ridiculous! Or to have these two very different superheroes actually be presented as very similar. That would be doubly ridiculous! So, we finally get the match-up between the ultimate conflicted dark hero and the beacon of all that is right and true, and we let them fight! This match is as epic as Hogan-Andre from Wrestlemania III, and when Superman finally connects with the Superman punch, the Dark Knight is finally put down for the three count.
Winner: Superman after Batman is finally broken down. He is only human after all!
Until next time, stay gold, Ponyboy, stay gold. See you soonish.
PS As a special treat for reading all the way to the end, here’s some exclusive coverage of the battle royales that took place on the pre-show to determine the main eventers:
Pre-show battle royale for the Main Event: Batman vrs. Superman
Superman vs. Superman vs. Superman vs. Superman
(w/ Snooty Usher Dave McKee as special referee to ensure no flying)
We start off with the five men to have played Superman on the big screen (we seeDean Cain sat in the crowd, looking forlorn). Kirk Alyn and George Reeves are quickly dispatched, before Henry Cavill goes all Man Of Steel finale and starts viciously attacking Brandon Routh in a fit of rage. Standing for all that is good and true, Christopher Reeve manages to subdue him Cavill briefly, helps Routh to his feet, only for Cavill to rush them from behind, Reeves hangs on, but Routh is gone! Cavill starts beating on Reeves on the ring apron, goes for one huge charge, Reeves drops the top rope down and Cavill goes tumbling to the floor!
Winner: Superman (Christopher Reeve version)
Batman vs. Batman vs. Batman vs. Batman vs. Batman vs. Batman vs. Batman vs. Batman
The lights come back up with 8 Batmen in the ring! Then seven of them turn to the George Clooney version and beat the nipples off his batsuit, before throwing over the top rope. We’re left with the 4 modern Batmen on one side, the 3 earliest on the other side – a big brawl breaks out and Lewis Wilson, Robert Lower, and finally Adam West (to huge boos) are thrown out. After an increasingly brutal battle, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, Christian Bal, and Ben Affleck are all laid out in the middle of the ring, when there’s another entrant! LEGO BATMAN IS HERE! Can the little guy do it? He jumps onto Val Kilmer… and gets flicked in row Z, shouting “I’ll see you in 2017 and you’ll be sorry! I’m a legitimate Batmaaaaaaa….” Bale is the first to his feet, and he dumps Kilmer in retaliation. Bale and Affleck start beating down Keaton, and together they throw his over the top rope, before Bale turns on Affleck and throws him out too, booking his place in the main event!
Winner: Batman (Christian Bale version)
So we have Christina Bale’s Batman versus Christopher Reeves’ Superman in the main event of the evening!
Now that’s the end. Thanks for reading, it was a really daft idea I came up with to mark Wrestlemania. Maybe I’ll do it again, perhaps a TV version in time for Summerslam…