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General Musings, Top Lists

The Snooty Ushers’ Worst Films of 2016


With festive season well and truly over, we here at Snooty Usher Towers have had a look at the ugly side of 2016. While we have recently celebrated the best of last year, it is time to address the worst.

If you are a regular visitor to this site the number one will come as little surprise, but we hope you enjoy the list.

Without further ado, here is our list of the worst films of 2016.

10: Special Correspondents (Ricky Gervais)

special-correspondentsDan: Make no mistake about it, Ricky Gervais is a jewel in the crown for modern British comedy. Unfortunately translating his success from TV to film has been an excruciating watch, which has been further compounded by this “comedy” that demonstrates absolutely nothing funny. I imagine the only people laughing after this, are those cashing the cheque for working on such drivel.

I’ve already wasted enough time watching this film, and subsequently reviewing it, so you don’t have to.

The Snooty Ushers’s Review of Special Correspondents


9. Warcraft: The Beginning (Duncan Jones)

warcraftDave:  This was a hard sell from the beginning.  A game with such a hard core group of fans was always walking a tightrope.  Do they change what makes the fans love it so much to make it appeal to a wider audience? or do they stick close to the game?

Now. I had no prior knowledge of the game so I went in with a totally open mind and a mess this was.  It was completely over complicated.  Half an hour in and I had no idea what was going on or who was who and even worse, I didn’t care.  It looked and felt like I was watching a cut scene from a video game, only a lot more boring.  Not even the presence of the genius that is Ben Foster could make this interesting.

This failed for me on every level, not only did it not create a world or characters I cared about, it went too heavy on the effects to the point where I could imagine the actors working on a green screen.  It just didn’t tell a good enough story.  I expected more from Duncan Jones.

This could really have been the film that finally gave us a decent game adaptation a (erm) game changer if you will, but in the end it made me miss the days of Super Mario Brothers and Streetfighter.

The Snooty Ushers’ Review of Warcraft: The Beginning


8. Mechanic: Resurrection (Dennis Gansel)

mechanicDan: “I’m so sorry” Those were the first words I said to my great friend, and fellow Usher, Welshy after we walked out the cinema screen at the end of Mechanic: Resurrection. Our routine trip to the cinema for a man date of film, food and chat was off to a terrible start thanks to this woeful excuse of an action film. Its predecessor The Mechanic was by no means a barn burner, but it was a decent watch. The same can not be said for what I consider one of the worst sequels to ever get a cinema release.

Everything about this film was poor, acting, story, editing, character relationships and even the action were found wanting. Despite having a 98 minute running time, it felt like I was in the middle of a film marathon of Star Wars Episodes I-III, wondering desperately when it was all going to end so I could rinse the bad taste it left in my mouth away with some alcohol.


7. Independence Day Resurgence (Roland Emmerich)

independence-day-2George: On the afternoon I saw this, I got my haircut. Traditionally, I get Gemma to cut it. She’s lovely and friendly and the last two times she had cut it, a few people described it as being “on point.” Gemma, however, was on holiday and so, today, Hannah cut my hair for me. Hannah had worked at that hairdressers for three months, she was originally from Whickham and worked at a salon there until she got bored and wanted a new challenge. We got on really well, we talked about film – I told her where I worked and she asked about all the upcoming releases (Hannah loved the original Ghostbusters, she was worried about the new one).

About half way through she asked me if I was happy with my haircut so far. I said I was. And it was the truth, I was enjoying myself but she kept asking how Gemma would have cut it. “Hannah,” “I said, eventually “don’t worry about what Gemma would have done. I trust you with my hair more than me. You do what you’d do.” She smiled and continued to cut my hair. As she finished, she brushed me down and asked what I thought. “Great” I said through a very real smile. She took me to the counter, I paid and we said our goodbyes.

As I left the hairdressers, I was happy with my cut- until I noticed the length on the top. I started to think that she hadn’t taken enough off and that it could stand to lose another inch or so.

The more I thought about it, the more I realised that, although Hannah had some interesting ideas for my hair and carried them off confidently and, even though I really enjoyed my time getting to know and spending time in her company, it just wasn’t the same. It felt like she spent a lot of my haircut trying to justify her reasons for cutting it. In the end, I missed Gemma. And it definitely could have lost a few more inches off the top.

Jeff Goldblum was great.

The Snooty Ushers’ Review of Independence Day Resurgence


6. The Girl on The Train (Tate Taylor)

girl-trainDave: This film just infuriated me from start to finish.  The media campaign did it no favours comparing it to Gone Girl, but the film itself is just a mess.

I got the feeling that everyone involved thought they were working on a much better film.  I can imagine the source novel being a really good page turner and I went in with the promise of a great twist.  However, the director was all thumbs and the twist was guessable in the first half hour.

While Emily Blunt was game, she was playing on the surface at least a pretty hard to root for lead character.  There are plenty of big names in there but all fail to add anything of note to the proceedings.  A special mention must go to Allison Janney, while I will always love her for her role in The West Wing, she has to play the most stupid and ineffective movie detectives I have ever seen.

“The thriller that shocked the world” claimed the poster, it most certainly was not that.  It was as run of the mill and dull a film as I have seen in many a year.  If I was looking for a comparison, think about that person in your work or life that thinks they are so much better that they actually are and you would pretty much get this film.

The Snooty Ushers’ Review of The Girl on The Train


5. X-Men Apocalypse (Bryan Singer)

xmen-apocWelshy: We have pulled this film apart in several articles as well as the analysing franchise as a whole so I wont go into great detail here .  It is a messy film, the few good moments its has cant make up for a tower of shit that is the rest. Firstly it was very slow and Apocalypse who is such a dangerous, impressive villain and arguably one of the X Men’s greatest adversaries comes across very much like a Power Rangers villain. That’s fine in Power Rangers but not in X Men

It’s unfair that Michael Bay gets lots of heat for to much action when this is little better, it’s style over substance. The story we do get isn’t exactly clear,  several characters that we are introduced to don’t get much development and are there purely for the sake of it. Those who are give any development just repeat old trends and the morally ambiguous Mystique becomes Katniss Everdeen clone. All in all a clunky overblown entry into a very weak and already bloated franchise.

James: We only busted out our The Good, The Bad and The Ugly column for two films in 2016. X-Men: Apocalypse was basically the inspiration for that column. There were some good moments, but there were so many problems that far outweighed them it ended up here in our Worst Films list. It could be franchise-endingly bad, but if Fox’s continuous rebooting of the Fantastic Four is anything to go buy, they will keep plugging away. I mean, it’s not like they had millions of people die in the finale…

For more on X-Men: Apocalypse, click on the links below

The Snooty Ushers’ Review of X-Men Apocalypse

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly: X-Men Apocalypse

Ranked! The X-Men Franchise

The Snooty Ushers On…The X-Men


4. Gods of Egypt (Alex Proyas)

gods-of-egyptRich: Snooty Usher James already wrote his thoughts on this film which you can read here and it pains me to actually write more about this film.  It’s hard to understand what went wrong here. Gods of Egypt had a huge budget, a popular cast, a good premise and ancient mythology which hadn’t really been touched. Yet somehow it managed to get butchered. The visual effects were terrible, the acting seemed non-existent, Gerard Butler still can’t shake that Scottish accent, a whole host of one-liners and the story was absolute lunacy. You only have to do a quick google search to see almost every outlet slate this movie and there not wrong.

I shall quote James’ review ‘Gods Of Egypt isn’t the worst film ever made. But it is really, really rubbish.’ I read his review before going into the film and I thought surely it can’t be that bad, but the review accurately reflected the film which really disappointed me as I’m a huge fan of mythology. I hold films like Clash/Wrath Of The Titans and The Mummy trilogy close to my heart as I grew up watching films like Ray Harryhausen’s Clash of The Titans and Hercules.

I feel with a little time and effort, this movie could have been excellent as cast member Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (Game of Thrones) is held in high regard in the public eye. It just felt like a lack of ambition and time constraints killed this before it even got off the ground. At this point I would usually say ‘check this film out so you can see the reviews are right’ but it honestly isn’t worth your time.

James: Like Rich said that I said “Gods Of Egypt isn’t the worst film ever made. But it is really, really rubbish.” There’s not much more to add, really.


3. Zoolander No. 2 (Ben Stiller)

zoolander-2Dan: Obviously the only reason this sequel came about is because of the latest Hollywood craze to ineffectively produce late sequels to popular comedy films (Blame Anchorman 2). But what the actual fuck was Ben Stiller thinking? He starred, directed, and even had a hand in writing this lame film. Granted it’s as forced as your first shit following a week spent constipated, but if you’re going to make a turd polish it first, and don’t put your name on it. The wealth of comedy talent on tap in the film is insane, but they were clearly at the mercy of a diabolically unfunny script with as much humour as a mortuary.

Welshy: The biggest problem is, it’s too late. Had it been released 2003 0r 2004 then it would have been fine. It just doesn’t work so many years on when the original has made such an impression. Also comedy tastes have changed and its hard to fit into the new palette without changing the old. Yet the old is what made the original so good in the first place so something is always lost. This embodies that sentiment.

The Snooty Ushers’ Review of Zoolander No. 2


2. Suicide Squad (David Ayer)

suicide-squadWelshy: It seems like someone read a book called “how to absolutely crucify a potential film powerhouse that could set you apart from your competitors”. Following this they read lots of Suicide Squad Comics and then ignored them. Finally they  watched Batman vs Superman to consolidate what they have learned in the aforementioned book and voila you have this film.The only reason it isn’t number 1 is that it is shorter than Dawn of Justice

Dan: David Ayer’s previous films (Fury, End of Watch) were tightly wound pieces where you cared about the characters, and what happened. Suicide Squad does not boast the ability to evoke the same feelings. This should have been a special film, and it could have been a trendsetter that saw the rise of supervillain films. Disappointingly it was put together with as much care and attention as a 5 year old making cakes for the first time.

Dave:  I only saw this at Christmas on Blu Ray and I think due to my fellow ushers thoughts I had lowered my expectations to such a low level that I quite enjoyed it.  Having said that, a few good performances aside, the plot is nonsensical, the music is intrusive, the CGI would make the 90s blush and then there is the continuity error in the sewers that is just embarrassing.  WB and DC must do better.

The Snooty Ushers’ Review of Suicide Squad


1. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (Zac Snyder)

batman-supermanJames: I think my biggest contribution to The Snooty Ushers (apart from watching far too many Christmas films in a row) has been the phrase “you can make a bad film, but making a boring film is unforgivable”. And to back up that phrase, I would present Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice as my prize example.

Welshy: Its seems like someone read a book called “how to absolutely crucify a potential film…..no but seriously, this was a disgraceful film. It’s a  blights on modern cinema. I would rather watch Green Lantern than this. That is something I never thought I would ever say…for shame.

Dave: Too long, too serious, too bleak and just too dull.  The biggest thing this gets wrong for me is the fact that they just missed what Batman and Superman mean to each other.  Batman lives and works in the shadows, while Superman is a beacon of hope who lives in the light.  Wonder Woman felt shoe horned in (never mind the rest of The League) and they totally got Lex Luthor wrong.  All that, and it was just boring.

The Snooty Ushers’ Review of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice


So that is what we didn’t like in 2016.  As a special bonus for getting to the end, here is The Snooty Ushers’ individual lists.

James’s Top 10

  1. Suicide Squad  2. Gods of Egypt  3. Batman v Superman  4. London Has Fallen  5. Zoolander No 2  6. Independence Day Resurgence  7. X-Men Apocalypse  8. Special Correspondents  9. Alice Through The Looking Glass  10. Now You See Me 2

Dan’s Top 10

  1. Zoolander No 2  2. Grimsby  3. Special Correspondents  4. The D0-Over  5. The Forest  6. The Boy  7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of The Shadows  8. Mechanic: Resurrection  9. Batman v Superman  10. Suicide Squad

Dave’s Top 10

  1. The Girl on The Train  2. Warcraft: The Beginning  3. Batman v Superman  4. The Jungle Book  5. Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them  6. The Boss  7. Ice Age Collision Course  8. Storks  9. Bad Neighbours 2  10. Suicide Squad

Welshy’s Top 10

  1. Batman v Superman  2. Suicide Squad  3. Mechanic Resurrection  4. Mrs Peregrine’s School For Peculiar Children  5. X-Men Apocalypse  6. The Girl on The Train  7. Now You See Me 2  8. Inferno  9. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies  10. Gods of Egypt

George’s Top 10

  1. 13 Hours  2. Office Christmas Party  3. Bad Moms  4. Zoolander No 2  5. Suicide Squad  6. Why Him?  7. Bad Neighbours 2  8. London Has Fallen  9.  Independence Day Resurgence  10. Hologram For The King

Rich’s Top 10

  1. Ben Hur  2. Gods of Egypt  3. Dirty Grandpa  4. X-Men Apocalypse  5. Independence Day Resurgence  6. Alice Through The Looking Glass  7. Allegiant  8. Batman v Superman  9. Warcraft: The Beginning  10. Mechanic Resurrection

 

About Snooty Usher Dave

Favourite Film : Ghostbusters (1984) Worst Film: Left Behind (2014) Guilty Pleasure: Pitch Perfect (2012) 40 year old family man from Hamilton, Scotland. I have settled in Gateshead with my wife and 2 beautiful daughters. Worked as a Cinema Manager (or glorified usher) for 14 years, now I run a chicken shop. Love Sport especially Football and Tennis. Love comic books, especially DC and particularly Superman. I own 58 Nicolas Cage films.

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